Leeds resident Ian Bruise claimed the first ever title of ‘Activate’s Kick Arse, Arse Kicker’ in a recently contrived arse kicking competition devised by the Conservative party’s grassroots activists, “Activate”. What makes this an extraordinary tale, is that Ian only has one leg.
Activate arranged the 3 day event in the grounds of Ester McVey’s cabbage patch on the outskirts of Liverpool. Or wherever she lives ‘officially’. Bertrand Jackington, one of the movement’s events coordinators explained why this was set up: “I thought it would be marvellous to bring this glorious British tradition to show the young people (of which I am one) that the Tory party isn’t out of touch, and that ridiculous village style games are a bloody good josh and a way to bring communities together. I mean what better way to take out your repressed parental disownment, deeply held hatred for the fellow man, and own personal insecurities then on someone’s bottom?”
The turnout was high, even by Activate’s pitiful standards. It was played out in three rounds with 9 people having to exchange blows to the anus using only their feet. Ian, the only individual to partake without a political affiliation and the only one without the full complement of limbs stormed through the first two rounds beating Jemima Wellington from Wymondham in Norfolk and Edward Hollington of Egham in Surrey. The final was undertaken on a sunny day against Herbert Gollingham III. Ian finished in style with a swift toe-poke to Herbert’s sphincter, which had been left open after receiving an earlier deft instep to the gluteus.
After the victory, Ian was overjoyed with his win: “I lost my leg about 3 years ago when I was making the wife a cuppa. This is a dream come true, and shows anything can be done if you put your mind to it. Especially against a bunch of useless, jumped up, misguided dignity stealers.”
Herbert did not offer a formal comment to the paper, but did say: “He probably got a fucking grant, or something. Political correctness gone mad” as he went back to his palatial, passed on in un-meritocratic fashion, 6 bedroomed house.