No idea what that is he's pulling from his mouth...

Blackburn Man To Sue NHS After Getting A Cold, Despite Having Flu Jab

A man from Blackburn is taking the NHS to court, in what could prove to be a landmark case and provide thousands of idiots the answer they’ve been looking for, and reinforce their stupidity because they don’t know the difference between a bad cold and the flu.

Wendall Fitzsimmons, 52, decided “enough is enough” and began the process of taking his gripe to court. His initial attempts at reasoning with the GP in question got him nowhere, and he advised he faced hurdles in whatever route he took. “My emails were being ignored, my phone calls were just ringing through, I faxed them, I posted letters.  I even think the carrier pigeons I sent had been eaten or something.” He decided there was no other option than to take it to the High Court. In his words “I want to make my anger known, and I want those responsible to pay.”

He was keen to tell us why, and plenty to add on the matter. “Doctors and nurses go around wasting time. I mean there are always great queues of people, and I can’t get an appointment when my toe flares up. They sit in their offices doing nothing and just make us wait! And when I DO get in their offices, they won’t cure me or give me the antibiotics I deserve.”

He continued.

“This time, they advised me to have the flu jab.  You know, the annual thing that they dish out?  I had never taken it before as John and Laura told me they’d heard that it gave you the flu so I didn’t want to risk it. This time, I thought I would – might as well get my money’s worth. I’ve paid enough tax in my time. Anyway, I’d had it, then got a bit of a sore arm, then 3 weeks later, I’d got a bloody runny nose and a bit of cough. Three days off work I had, and used a couple of hundred weight of tissues.”

He dragged on.

“When I rang my doctor he said it was a cold.  What didn’t make sense was that he’d told me that jab thingy should stop the flu, so that’s when I snapped. I’d had enough. People can come here from wherever-istan and have a child in a completely safe, healthy, and supportive environment yet when Joe Shcmo from Horseface Lane in Blackburn turns up, with runny eyes and a sniffle, they can’t do shit. Its a disgrace.”

Wendall’s lawyer, Godly Shitarse of Shitarse, Fuckface, Caligula & Partners law firm took up his case as he sensed an opportunity to get his struggling, ambulance chasing business into the spotlight, advising that he’d also help Wendall out a bit with the cost of the trial. “Look, Wendall is a passionate Englishman that’s been paying into a system that has failed him for most of his life. OK, he might be a little bit ignorant and unwilling to listen to professional advice; he may even be so stubborn and he won’t even bother to investigate it himself; on top of that, he’ll throw himself at the state for anything, and mock it when it can’t sort his life out for him; but who isn’t like that? He’s the little guy, one of the left behind that need inspiration, and a sign that not everything is against him.  I want to be that inspiration. Our team, here, will do everything they can to at least make sure he doesn’t piss everything away on this ridiculous vendetta, and will take just enough from him and the situation to benefit ourselves financially and professionally.”

No-one from the NHS was available for comment.  They said as this was a legally sensitive issue, they couldn’t provide us with a statement. Their press office did, however, release this statement: “This case will be brought up in court for no seemingly good reason.  Money will be wasted, and dignity will be pissed out the window; but hey lets all try and get some publicity and badmouth an institution that’s trying its best but is destined to fail because of opportunists, shysters, and the political establishment’s constant ideological interference, huh?”

We wish Wendall well in is mission for misguided and disproportionate justice.  We hope that enormous fucking chip on his shoulder is sated, and he finds happiness in something, for fuck’s sake.

About Phoenix Farthandle 8 Articles
I write shit about stuff. Hear me write.

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