Millions of people were picked off in what is being described as “probably Cupid’s last job”. The 4,100 year old bringer of love and joy to millions of newly doting couples inadvertently cut through a surprisingly large portion of the world’s population after he seemingly picked up the wrong quiver as he left his mythical house this morning.
The flying, fat legged toddler left his home first thing this morning and proceeded to undertake his one single sole fucking job, completely unaware of the murderous rampage he was about to innocently embark upon. He fired off his fletched sticks very specifically to those that wanted love, those that had found who they thought were going to be life partners, and those who thought their lives were about to start. In fact, their lives were coming to a bloody and quick end. What started as doe eyed love ended as screaming, vacant death. Without checking what he was loosing, and what was happening the 3ft Greek was about to wipe out a generation of young love.
Dean Christ, 39, talked to us about witnessing the terrifying sight in a branch of Nandos in Norwich. He was sat with his wife: “We were politely eating our overpriced grilled chicken, and a swollen looking feathered baby flew into the restaurant armed with what looked like a bow. He aimed, and let loose hitting this one guy directly in his chest. Blood started to pool everywhere faster than I could imagine. His eyes instantly glazed over, and he was dead before he hit the ground! The girl he was with screamed as bloodcurdling a scream as I have ever heard and then fainted. The police then dragged us all out and told us to take cover. I’m glad I’m already married and that love nonsense has flown the nest or that could have been me!”
Once home after dishing out his now cruel love, he was advised of his actions when his own mother told him what had happened. She had found his love arrows still hanging on the hat rack, but had discovered too late to advise him of what had happened before the killing could stop. Venus, 4,303, told us: “I couldn’t not tell him. He has spent the last how ever many thousand years making people fall in love with each other, and this was the complete antithesis of that. He brought death and heartache to millions; creating memories and dark places that many will never stop grieving over. It’ll take him a few days to get over it, the poor soul.”
Cupid himself only spoke to us briefly telling us that he was too upset to talk. One thing he did say was that “he’s sorry”, and that he and his fletcher will develop a system for next year to avoid the same mistake. Something like a “colour coded quiver, for example”.
We contacted the authorities about the incident, and Chief Inspector Wigginton Willis of the Suffolk Constabulary told us only this: “To start with, he’s a flying fucking infant with an infinite number of arrows and a willful ignorance of the laws of civilised society. I mean he hasn’t got a licence for that thing but how do you categorise a magic bow for fucks sake? It’s the first time something like this has gone this bad. Finally, it was world-wide, so I think our options were limited, pal. Now fuck off, I’m in the bath.”
What can be done to make sure this does not happen again? It is a question that all sensible minded people will be asking. Who dare now risk the possible slaying should they fall in love and attempt a romantic “2 meals for a tenner” date next February 14th?