Visits through China Town and singling out somewhere to eat can be a struggle. This is especially true when you are in a city you do not know, or are thinking of trying somewhere new. The simple way of assessing this for any white, anglo-saxon human is to assess the racial denomination of the clientele of the each eatery and count them up, the conclusion therefore being: the restaurant with the most Chinese people in it is obviously the best place to eat. This anecdotal formula has now been proven by boffins to be correct. Brainiacs from The University Of Great Yarmouth assessed the logic of this ridiculous, lazy assumption and confirmed it to be a significantly accurate measure of food quality 98% of the time.
The study took many factors into account, and was the work of Dr Dave Croft. He told us he was not surprised by this result, because his dad had been using the technique for years to much success. He added: “One interesting find was that as long as the people in the establishment looked Chinese, it was fine. Koreans, Malaysians, the Japanese, and the rest, I mean they all look the same, don’t they? All count as Chinese for the purposes of my intrinsically naive, and bigoted study.”
Wang Wei, of the Golden Lantern restaurant in Chorley was one of the restaurants used in the review. Wang was confused by the results: “The day we were picked out for the study was a day there was a party in the place. It was my son’s 25th, and he wanted a cheap do in a place he new. I mean it flies in this logic’s face as he’s a bloody 3rd generation British citizen. He’s never bloody eaten real Chinese food!”
We then asked one of the members of the public who had taken part. John Anderton was a customer at the Golden Lantern who had chosen the restaurant after seeing 9 people that “looked Chinese enough” eating there. “Me and the missus picked it ‘cos of the people eating in there. I mean, they like their own food don’t they? So I thought it makes sense that we’d like it too! As long as it’s really hot. I love my food spicy”
Some of Dr Croft’s peers were not so impressed with the work, the most vocal of which was Dr Quincy Jones of Princetown University. He aggressively commented: “look, go away. Simply put, it merely reinforces peoples views and conscious bias. If you walk in to a restaurant and you have your own method of choosing, and the food happens to be at least OK, the brain logically assumes you’ve made the right choice. That’s more likely. What white male doesn’t like to be proven correct? This is anecdotal bullshit.”
Despite his doubters, Dr Croft will be extending his study to Italian and French restaurants after having confirmation of £1.3m worth of funding to keep his department open for the next 8 years. He told us he couldn’t wait to get started and already had the beginnings of his new studies: “the Italians will be easy to spot, ‘cos they have dark hair, don’t they? I’m not sure about the French. Probably baguettes and bikes I suppose”.
The world of science is fast paced, and ever moving. We expect to see him in the news once again soon enough
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