NASA’s most recent lunar findings have revealed that the cheese the Moon is made from is suitable for vegans and the lactose intolerant. A £359m, 6 year operation returned it’s data back to the planet earth via the orbiting “Lactic Investigation Satellite” currently negotiating it’s way around our closest dairy-or-maybe-not interplanetary body.
The pocked, light snack based surface is structured out of a celestial soy-based cheese and does not rely on the exploitative milking of star cows, or Jupiter goats. John Webster of the Protein Heavy Sandwich Filler Investigations Department (PHSFID) at NASA’s Cape Canaveral site was jubilant at the find and the opportunities this would bring. “This is vital for the future of none-dairy space travel. It means we don’t have to carry large payloads of Danish Blue as we can use the Moon as a cheese stop-off before any longer journeys to farther out planets like Mars or, erm, Krypton or wherever. It would also mean we could take fucking vegans and those whiny intolerant folk, too.”
It is thought that there are 3 types of the cheese on the surface with The Sea Of Tranquility being made up of something that resembles Gouda; the entire dark side being made up of a product much like Dairylea, but firmer; and the rest being predominantly similar to Double Gloucester. The early data suggests there could be up to 37 different sub-cheeses in it’s make up, but further missions would be required to sure this up.
Many different agencies, public and private, are looking at undertaking expeditions of their own. Kraft are looking at teaming up with the European Space Agency to send a cheese crew of 4 mice to test the edibility of the surface, with the hope that the tiny mammalian quartet will confirm how bland the stuff is and could establish how viable it would be to mine this space fodder and flog it to you mugs at some exorbitant price calling it something like: “Moon Cheese. The Cheese God Made The Moon From. Eat God’s Cheese.” Or something. I don’t know, never got a job in advertising for obvious reasons.
We look forward to these planned journeys and the broadening of our space awareness. With the ESA plans, and further missions being funded by NASA there will probably be announcements on how Uranus is made from beef, and Pluto is 50% fish. It’s mind blowing to think that every night you look into the night sky you’re probably staring at an infinitesimally large table with more light eating than the human race could consume in trillions of christenings. Isn’t it also nicer to know that even that annoying twat from work who piles his paper plate up in a Brunel-esque fashion (celery sticking out the sides etc.) would be defeated by this monumental deli counter?