The Treasury and The Bank Of England have decided that the Great British Pound will be replaced by common or garden dog shit in the event of a no-deal Brexit. The decision was made after a deep and considered economic analysis of the effects of leaving the single market and the largest trading conglomerate on the fucking planet. The review established that should the cliff-edge approach be taken, “it’d make more sense to use dog shit as our fucking currency as this worthless nonsense I’ve got in my pocket.”
Timmy Arkansas, a treasury spokesperson whom was shipped over to answer our questions as his superiors couldn’t be bothered in case they said something ill thought out about feminism; or something else they pretend to care about advised us “It makes sense when embarking on a new start, specifically if no-one can agree on what to bloody do, to set up a new currency. It will represent our newly found and long held values, our place in the world, and our progressive mentality.”
A representative from the Small Business Council of Great Britain said to us “this will cause all sorts of problems with our till systems, not to mention trying to slide in a piece of crap into one of those trolley things, you know, where you currently put a pound coin? It’ll just get messy.” Hebden Smudge, a small business owner from Cumbria, runs an arcade machine business. His livelihood revolves around loose change, and voted to leave the EU in the 2016 referendum “I mean its a small price to pay, isn’t it, risking illness, having a much higher cleaning bill, and getting shit everywhere just to ensure we get our Country back and don’t have the bureaucrats in Brussels telling me how straight my strawberries have to be! I’d rather bum muck got under me finger nails than have those bloody foreigners telling me my waist is measured in centimetres rather than bloody inches!”
The Royal Mint is also planning for this contingency, and is looking into the denominations and how to produce them. They told us “We have already sourced various breeds of dogs known for their particular rate and gauge of passing to ensure we can get our stocks up ready, should this situation arise. We won’t have long to roll the new currency out, and bank’s and cash points will need a ready supply.”
Whatever your view on this decision, it’s good to know the hard working people of Britain are prepared and ready for whatever shit is thrown at them. In two years time, you could be receiving your wages in the form of canine faeces. Just think about what you’ve done, will you?